A Day At The Movies

 Big days meant making big decisions, or so believed Akanksha and it was precisely one such day . A day when Akanksha and Tanay were going to watch a movie at a theatre all by themselves for the first time ever!

What is the big deal about a couple of twenty one year olds going to watch a movie all on their own, you may wonder . Well , it is a big deal when the twenty one year olds in question are non speaking autistics who type to communicate and who experience the world as differently as Akanksha and Tanay did!

Akanksha remembered Tanay’s response to the grand movie plan , when she suggested it during their weekly Cubbon Park jaunt , very vividly . ‘What !’, he had typed, his face replete with shock and disbelief , ‘why do you want to go to a dark , claustrophobic and noisy place ? What is wrong with Cubbon Park ?’

‘What can be wrong with Cubbon Park?’, typed Akanksha, even as she made a childish face , ‘nothing , except I am bored of it and want to do something different for a change’

‘But do you think we can manage alone , just the two of us ?’, typed Tanay, worried that Akanksha might actually insist on seeing this mad-caper scheme through . I mean , imagine going into the deep dark dungeon called a movie theatre all alone! Well , not exactly alone , Akanksha would be with him . He would , of course , be wearing his noise cancellation headphones to cushion his hearing when the movie would begin playing oh so loudly . They could plan their logistics to account for a houseful screen. Armed with their e-tickets , they could enter the movie hall in advance and sit in their place before the milling crowd begins to arrive . Though he was the kind that preferred documentaries over movies , he was prepared to sit through and endure an entire movie for the sake of Akanksha . All said and done , there still existed a very distinct possibility of either him, or Akanksha or both feeling overwhelmed by the whole experience . After all , meltdowns were a real part of their autistic lives !

Would it not be easier to stick to the tried and tested walk in the park followed by coffee at their favourite CCD?

‘Well’, typed Akanksha , ‘how many twenty one year olds around us ask for a chaperone to go watch a movie?’, she typed knowing fully well what Tanay’s response would be . She understood the reason behind Tanay’s reluctance only too well, and to be honest, she nursed those very same anxieties herself! After all , things did go  haywire when a meltdown happened and there were times when things got crazy enough to warrant a meltdown , inspite of all the preparation . The one thing that Akanksha had realised was most situations and outcomes were unpredictable! But should she let the fear of a possible meltdown rule her choices and determine what she could do and what she could not ? Hell, no! It was a fact that accidents occurred everyday , but that did not stop  most people from taking their car to school , to work or wherever they wanted to go .Heaven knew , she was super nervous even to think about it . But she did not believe in giving up without a try. So try she would , and she would make sure Tanay followed suit . After all , wasn't that what girlfriends were there for ?

‘How many twenty one year olds around us experience the world the way you and I do ?’, typed Tanay, ‘and how many twenty one year olds who are like us have gone alone to the movies ?’

‘There is always a first time for everything and we are probably going to be the first non speaking autistics to do it’, typed Akanksha , ‘isn't that doubly exciting !’

‘Exciting ?!’, said Tanay to himself , even as he looked at Akanksha with disbelief , ‘suicidal would be a more appropriate term' . But Akanksha was as stubborn as a mule!

‘Do you think our parents will agree to this crazy scheme of yours ?’, typed Tanay, hoping this idea will meet its end at the hands of two sets of ‘larger than life’ parents, as most parents of autistics are bound to be .

‘If I convince my parents and yours’, typed Akanksha , ‘will you come ?’

‘Yes’, typed Tanay reluctantly .

Sure enough , Akanksha being the force of nature that she was , managed to convince the parents with the caveat that both Akanksha and Tanay’s mothers  would follow them in another car and wait right  outside the movie hall , should they need something .

Every single part of planning , including booking the tickets online for the latest Karan Johar flick (just when he thought things could not get any worse , pat came Akanksha’s movie suggestions!) , downloading it on the phone and making sure that everything was in place , was done by Tanay, whose obsession with planning and perfection was stuff that legends were made of . Soon , it was the D -day and Akanksha and Tanay set off with Akanksha’s trusted driver Hari Anna in her car while the mothers followed suit in Tanay’s car.

‘You look so nervous’, typed Akanksha , ‘it seems as if someone asked you to put together the plan for the country's defence and you are going to make sure that it is being executed properly ! Relax , it is just a movie and we will be fine .’

‘Sarcastic much ‘, typed Tanay, who counted to ten, then to twenty and all the way upto one hundred , but could not calm the swarm of Monarch butterflies that were leaping about his stomach in full speed , ‘we are not just going to be fine, we are going to be super!’

They soon reached the theatre and it was time to get off . Tanay made sure that his noise cancellation headphones were firmly in place and checked the phone gallery to retrieve the tickets . Akanksha also took deep breaths to calm her racing heart and said a small prayer as they headed inside the semi dark movie hall . They found their place and decided to sit down , even as people began to trickle in . Soon , the hall was nearly full .

‘This is so not claustrophobic’, typed Tanay, making a face .

‘Have you heard of the adage what you seek is seeking you ?’, typed Akanksha, ‘if you keep telling yourself that it's claustrophobic , then that is precisely how you will end up feeling . Instead , tell yourself that you are going to be fine and you will end up feeling fine .’

The lights were turned off and the show was about to begin . Akanksha wore her AirPods to cushion her ears from the loud noise and began watching the movie . She noticed Tanay rock and calm himself down when it got sensorially tiring and realised that she was also doing the same . The movie was not so bad thus far and things were going well for them .

Soon it was intermission . Akanksha headed to the washroom , a victory song playing in her head . 

The washroom was crowded and there were many women waiting their turn. Some were using the mirror to apply a fresh quote of lipstick, while others were waiting with little children in tow. A couple of them were talking on their phones. Akanksha surveyed the scene playing out in front of her with a not so clinical eye . And then, the seeds of self doubt hit her with the force of a hurricane, taking away in its wake the steely resolve to see this outing through to its logical conclusion . ‘Everyone out here is cut from a mould’, spoke the voice of self doubt, loud and clear , ‘except for Tanay and you . Meltdowns are a part of the mould called autism. That die has been cast for good and all these bright lights and loud noises might just get you there!’

Akanksha felt the dark cloud of anxiety looming large around her. They had enjoyed the experience this far, all by themselves , managing the sensory inputs from the environment remarkably well . The smart thing would be to quit while they were ahead of the game . It was time to head home .

Tanay waited for Akanksha outside the movie hall , wondering what was taking her so long . A couple of passers-by stopped to stare at him , for he was rocking . He chose   to ignore them , like he usually did . Soon, he saw Akanksha head his way , looking visibly anxious .

‘What happened’, he typed , concern written large on his face . ‘Are you okay ? You look so flustered . Are you feeling unwell or something ?’

‘I am okay so far , but I think it is time for us to leave’, typed Akanksha .

Tanay was taken aback! Things seemed to be going fine so far , so why did Akanksha want to leave before watching the movie completely ?

‘Why should we leave ?’, typed Tanay, ‘are you beginning to feel uncomfortable ?’

‘No I am not’, typed Akanksha , ‘but I don't want to wait until either of us begin to feel that way . Let us quit while we are ahead of the game .’

‘What is that even supposed to mean ?’, typed Tanay , ‘and where is all this coming from ?’

‘I had a moment of epiphany amidst a bunch of people’, typed Akanksha , ‘we are so different from every other person out here . In our world , the noises are louder , the lights are brighter and the smells are overpowering . Even small groups of people can make us feel claustrophobic . Feeling overwhelmed maybe an obvious outcome of experiencing the world more intensely , but when we feel that way amidst so many people , we feel so helpless . We can't express what is going on and our behaviour elicits rude comments . We have been great so far , let us head home before things go south !’

Tanay began to comprehend what was happening . Self doubt , the all consuming monster that haunted him ever so often , had gone knocking on Akanksha’s door. And Akanksha , the brave one , had succumbed to its call ! They were here , at the movie hall all by themselves, having a good time , more or less , all thanks to Akanksha’s courage . After all , she was the who had decided to think beyond the obvious limitations to pull off something that they had never done before and did whatever it took to convince him to get here . At this point , there was no giving up and he would do whatever it took to convince Akanksha to get right back in and finish watching the movie !

‘I understand where you are coming from’, typed Tanay, ‘but I want you to hear me out with an open mind . What is the probability that both of us will begin to feel overwhelmed at the same time ? Very less . So that means even if one of us begins to feel overwhelmed , the other can step in and get both of us out, safely and on time to where our mothers are waiting for us .’

'What are you trying to say ?’, typed Akanksha 

‘That we should stop getting anxious about the possibility of a meltdown and head right back in to finish watching the movie’, typed Tanay.

‘But why would you want to do that ?’, typed Akanksha ,with an incredulous look on her face , ‘you didn't even want to do this in the first place and like you rightly mentioned the other day , this is not even the last place on Earth , where we should be when we are having a meltdown .’

‘Let us just say that I am finding the colourful antics of the male lead in the movie , a bit too entertaining’, typed Tanay even as he held Akanksha’s hand and led her back into the movie hall, to finish watching the rest of the movie, without giving her the opportunity to back off .

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The best term to describe this story is aspirational. Yet, seeking human connection to overcome self doubt and head towards the path of growth is very real and we autistics , just like everyone else , seek such a connection .

The personalities of Akanksha and Tanay, in this tale, have been modelled on the personalities of my own parents. It takes the right blend of courage and practical wisdom to create magic!